gynandromorph

published: October 3, 2024

When I was young, and my grown-up teeth were pushing through my gums, they weren’t coming in right. My front, bottom teeth were growing too far inwards.

The dentist gave me some advice: “push against those teeth with your tongue periodically, and your teeth could move into the right spot.”

I did, and my teeth ended up where they were supposed to.

This was when I realized just how adaptable, and maliable my body can be. Small, but impactful. This has been a prominent theme throughout my life. Probably more now than ever before.

I've had many phases of my life where I have pushed by body to change.

Sometimes drastically.

At one point, I weighed 112lbs until I force fed myself and lifted weights to gain 20 lbs of muscle in around 3 months.

This was before I realized that (much like my teeth coming in wrong) I went through a puberty that didn't match who I was deep down. My body took me through a male puberty, but on the inside I always felt differently. It was a feeling I had difficulty understanding. At one point, I thought that I had to change my body to be more masculine, then I'd feel better. But I felt worse in the end. I spent a long time in an angry and resentful headspace because of my self punishing behavior.

At a certain point, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Something fundamental has to change"

I would write over and over in my journal.

After some time I discovered I am indeed trans. My body and my brain have some kind of mismatch (although, I don’t need to justify why I am what I am. I’m just me and this is how I live most comfortably).

Just like my teeth, I've had to push things in the right direction in order to grow into myself. My true self. It's uncomfortable at times, and difficult, but worth it. For a long time I only saw a stranger in the mirror. It’s nice to see myself smiling back now.

– Zoe 🏳️‍⚧️